Desire, despair, joy, relating

My joy and my desire, when cherished as such, seem to be antidotes to despair. Is this right? Or, is it that the joy and desire remind me of the ground to which I, a relation relating itself to itself, relate? As I am not the ground, it makes sense that I would come to see my sustaining dependence upon ground in a way of relating, a way of relating that initially presents itself as to this ordinary world, but which can instantaneously show itself not as a relation to this world, but as a relation to ground. However, there is a pull—which I recently termed “mission”—which even in its initial presentation shows itself as entirely outside of this ordinary world in its origin and basic nature.

I forget my specific desires, and even do not acknowledge readily when they are granted. While it is in some sense correct to take issue with this, the taking issue itself is still on the side of despair. The merit in taking issue is that it more clearly illuminates the despair involved. That I fail to enjoy my joy is a symptom of a misrelation…

This body is past, and its pursuits are past. Not merely; in some sense, not at all. However, in my despair, I see myself as detached from, betraying, a self who set the stage. Structurally, this might be the correct template, but the desiring self, even the ideal self, did not set the stage. I am death-bound when I try to make ground out of a self-in-becoming.